What I've Seen, What I've Done
by Mazzie May
Summary: Completely redone! A few months after X-2. Rikku opens up to a Guado man about why she is the way she is, showing him how things aren't always what they seem. Usual Rules apply; R&R if ya want.
1. Shattered Innocents

**Author's Note: Okies, redone! Thank Jesus!**

**Summary: A months after X-2. Rikku opens up to a Guado man about why she is the way she is and shows him how things aren't always what they seem**.

**Rating: PG-13/R (I can't decide)**

_**Chapter 1: Shattered Innocents  
**By: Mazzie May_

"I'm not that sweet, you know." I was sitting cross-legged on the cold, dirty ground. I was staring at the wall. The person I was talking to was off to my side, curled up in fear in a corner. Cowering, actually, pressed against the door in the northeast corner of the room. His pinched, ratty features flushed and sweaty.

"No, listen, you gotta listen-I don't know anything, you don't want to do this. I'm no threat to you! I swear!" the Guado pleaded weakly. He was working himself into a fourth, and I decided that making a man wait for his death, particularly such a sad little man, was cruel.

"...and I'll just leave, okay?" He was still babbling. "I'll be gone and you'll never hear from me again, swear to Yevon, why do you want to kill me, I'm nobody. Tell me what you want and I'll do it, whatever it is, talk to me, Lady Rikku, okay? Let's just talk, okay?"

I suddenly realized I'd just been staring at him out of the corner of her eyes, as if I'd been lulled into a trance by the rise and fall of the mans' hysteria. It had been an endless day in a series of them...But as much as I wanted to kill him, I suddenly felt compelled to say something.

"There's nothing personal in this" I began. Then snorted "Okay, I'm lying, there is something personal in this. But, it didn't start out that way...things are...Things are different now."

He nodded quickly, eyes wide. "Yeah, sure they are. Different"

Now that I'd started I couldn't seem to stop. "It started way, way back. I was only seven. I'd been walking home with my sister and a man came up from behind us. Some Al Bhed hater. He pushed my gently to the side, like he didn't want me hurt. But my sister..." I trailed off then, fighting back my tears. "He crushed her throat so she couldn't scream. He ripped her apart"

I stood up then. I felt tingly. It felt good to talk about it. So, I turned and faced the pathetic person in front of me. "He tore out her arms and slit her stomach open. I got blood all over me-"I stopped to move my arms up and down in front of my body. A waving motion to symbolize where the blood was. "-but, I just stood there. I didn't scream, cry, or try and help. I just stood there wide-eyed."

I felt hot then. I could feel my face flushing. "Her body parts were everywhere." I closed my eyes. Remembering the unidentifiable chunks, strips of muscle, ribbons of skin and vital organs scattered around like slabs of meat. The blood glopped on the graveled path, running lazily down walls. All over my face and little body.

"I was only seven, you know" I said, my eyes still closed. I ran my fingers through my soft, blonde locks. "I remember where the blood laced itself with my hair...it was in millions of little braids, tied in little white bows with little white ribbons. Well, they weren't white for long."

I fiddled gently with the ends on my hair. I'd cut it since the fight against Vegnagun. Since Yunie's heartbreak with Tidus. I smiled then, a sick smile. I knew it was a twisted smile. I could feel it; I didn't need to see it. At the end of Yunie's pilgrimage she'd told Tidus she loved him. Now, she couldn't see it because she was turned around, but Tidus had a look that said only one thing and one thing only '_Oh shit'_. So, he did the best he could; he hugged her. And then threw him self off the airship. Heh, he never was one for commitment. But, Yunie... She thought it was love. So she asked Tidus after he had returned if they could get married. He'd laughed in her face. I'm sure you can guess what happened after that:

Wakka tried to calm all the people who had been shocked that Lady Yuna and the Blitzball Star would not wed. Lulu tried to comfort a wailing Yuna. Kimahri sat on his mountain. Paine sighed and said she 'knew it'. Baralai didn't do anything, it wasn't his place. Gippal took Tidus out and the two are now really good friends. Gippal and Yuna never got along that much anyway.

And me? I was nowhere to be found. I was wandering Bikinel Desert. But that's not important now. What was important was talking out my eye-opening experience. All this time, not a peep out of the little man. He was wise enough to keep his mouth shut. Very wise.

"I'm sure, I'm sure you're wondering why. Why I didn't help or try to." He shook his head 'No'. But I really didn't seem to care whether he wanted to hear this or not. "I, to be honest, I was fascinated. That a human being could have that kind of strength. To do what he did...I was-" I opened my eyes, making a face, trying to find the right word. "impressed...Yeah, I was impressed."

I giggled then. And he flinched. I giggled some more. I looked directly at him and smiled, my big sweet smile. "And he talked to me, you know." I continued on, letting my hair fall back around my shoulders. "He told me, how he was doing this because he could. That he had that kind of power." My smile melted away. Like ice, on a hot plate. "He… he told me that I had to...to keep my chin up. And he tilted my head up."

I looked up then; I could almost see his out line. "I got some more blood on me. From his hands. And when I- I" It was hard to talk about this part. I always got chocked up about it. "I dragged my hand along the bloody wall, fallowing – no, skipping - after him. He turned to me and said:

'Don't ever tell anybody what you saw. Or you'll see it again' and walked away into the shadows from which he came.

And I believed. I didn't want to see it again. Though I was entertained, it made me feel funny..." I stopped and placed a hand over my stomach. "...All funny right here..." My voice sounded far away, more so than usual. Like I was talking to me, but I wasn't me. I gripped the thick material that covered my upper body.

The Guado looked slightly confused. I knew why; I wasn't dressed like a hooker. I decided to explain, waiting for the strange feeling in my stomach to cease. "I'd started wearing more covering clothes. I had to. I started cutting myself again." I flipped my wrist and the cloth reviled the scars. The jagged scar tissue the older scars pale against my deep bronze skin, the kind of tan that one only could acquire living in the desert. They had begun to tan with the rest of my skin. But the fresh scars stood out even more; they were pink, raggedy strips running all around the arm. "I can't handle emotional pain. So, I make physical pain instead. I know where it's coming from, and I can control it," I said in a matter-of-fact tone.

He nodded deeply. Almost like two long bows. I think he liked that I was talking to him. And I liked that I was talking to him. He was coming down more and I felt better that I was talking about it.

"And then what?" Poor dear. Probably thought the longer I talked, the better chance he had of lving. Silly, misguided Guado.

**0o0o0o0o0o**

**Woot for redoneness. This story really needed it, don't you all think? Same rules apply, though; review if you feel like it.**


	2. Action and Reaction

**Author's Note: Second redone chapter. Wooo… we're on a roll..**

**Summeray: A months after X-2. Rikku opens up to a Guado man about why she is the way she is and shows him how things aren't always what they seem.**

**Rating: PG-13/R (I can't decide)**

_**Chapter Two: Action and Reaction**_

_By: Mazzie May_

I laid my eyes lazy back on him. "And then... I never told. I went through the next six years of my life never saying a word. And the Warrior Monks never found that man." I snorted. "Though, I seriously doubt they were looking that hard. And he went on murdering people. And I never told a soul..." I trailed off then. I was lying again. My eyes dropped to the floor like they always did.

When I was little and Cid found my taking parts from machina to make my own, my eyes were like this.

When I first met Tidus and he spoke of Zanarkand and I told him it didn't exist anymore, my eyes were like this.

When Wakka first found out I was Al Bhed, my eyes were like this.

When Auron and I sat outside of the Farplan and he spoke of Braska's pilgrimage, my eyes were like this.

When I straight out lied to Yuna that there was nothing between Tidus and I and that we'd never done anything together, my eyes were like this.

When Yuna told me to stop thinking of ways to save her, my eyes were like this.

When I told Gippal I didn't need him anymore, my eyes were like this.

When Yuna confronted me about Tidus and I having sex, my eyes were like this.

When Brother told me he had feelings for Yuna, my eyes were like this.

When Paine talked down to me and I didn't have the energy to fight back, my eyes were like this.

When Tidus came back and asked me for more sexual favors, I'd comply and afterwards, my eyes were like this.

When Baralai asked me if I was okay I'd lie to him, and my eyes were like this

I felt very sad during that last thought. I always wanted someone to ask me that, and when they finally do, I lie. It was just a reflex. When someone asks, I always say 'Oh, I'm fine!' and smile my smile. The smile that means nothing is ever wrong. I always smile like that, because when people ask how you are, they don't really care. But Baralai did. He really wanted know how I was. And I lied. The one time, somebody's gonna care, and I lie.

Time to start telling the truth. I looked up again. I had told someone. And, if I really wanted to talk it all through, this little loser had to know. "...Except for my mom..."

He looked at me then. "I had had a bad dream and she asked me what it was. I was already do upset, I just told her about the murder." I smiled another Rikku-ish smile. "It felt good to talk about it then, too." The smile faded around the edges. "But I shouldn't have said a thing. I thought I would regret for the rest of my life.

"She came to pick me up from a friend's house late that night. Didn't want me walking home alone she told me earlier that day before I left. She said, she didn't want that scary man to come after me now that I had told. I told her there was now way that he could find out. I was wrong" My throat tightened up. My last three words coming out in a raspy kind of way. I rested my hand around my neck. "I miss mom..." I whispered.

The Guado was still looking at me. He wanted me to talk, to finish up the story. He had leaned away from his little corner. He was listening to what I had to say. He had that look on his face. You know, that look; like watching something or hear something you shouldn't be because it's so horrible or ugly, but you can't stop. Yeah, that look. He still thought I was going to spare him.

It wasn't fair of me to just end it there. I wouldn't want someone to just call it quits right there. I calmed myself down. And the corners of my lips began to twitch with a smile. "I left my friends house. Looking for Mom, on account of she was late. I walked around the back of the gardening shop. And then I saw it...Mom in puddle of her own blood. The Man...standing over her..."

My eyes unfocused, taking my self back to that night. That night would change me forever. I'd walked around the corner of the Garden Shop. It's where Mom would buy flowers for her flower boxes, and indoor gardens. I figured she'd be there. And I was right, all too right. I stopped when I saw two people; one laying lifeless on the ground, the second towering over the other, something dripping from his hands. I walked forward again. Then I recognized the waist length blonde hair and the blue shall tied around their hips; it was Mom.

I was in shock. I heard a low chuckling. I dragged my eyes away from the bloody sight. My mouth slightly open, I looked at the man. He beckoned me over with a few waves of his hand. Again, he was clad in shadow. Just like the last time I met him.

'Look' he'd whispered in my ear. 'Look at your handy work' I felt his stubble against my cheek and ear. His hot breath hitting the side of my face. But I wasn't paying attention to that.

I had my attention on the corpse in front of me. She was dead but still twitched. I grimaced. The limp, once tan but now I sickening yellow from blood loss and the moon limbs, flaps of skin peeled back. Exposing the milky-red, glossed over muscle and its tendons.

It made me think of when I was eight. A tomato had been long forgotten in the back of our fridge. It was so old; at the touch of my young fingers it caved and bruised almost immediately. Being as curious as I was, me and my oldest brother, Klakku, decided to cut it open. The dull butter knife slide into it easily, dragging the crinkled skin with it. The thick layer that had always been so crisp and rich had melted into a thick, redish-brown sludge that oozed out slowly. The gel that had surrounded the seeds had liquefied. To the point where I'd thought it water at first. It ran thin and quickly over the counter.

And that's what I saw now; only it was cool concert this time instead of a counter. The exposed muscle was the tomato.

But...what had he meant when he said my handy work? 'I didn't do this' I had whispered. He'd laughed then, a strong laugh. It made me shiver, it was almost fatherly. I still hadn't turned to look at him. My Mom, my MOTHER had been killed. By The Man.

I hadn't even noticed him walking away. He said over his broad shoulders, 'Told you not to tell. So, yes, my dear, it is your fault." His husky voice merging into another throaty laugh. His footsteps faded away.

I couldn't see; I was blinded by my anger. Literally. Red and white blotches danced across my vision. And my unshed tears blurred even what vision I had left. My fist so tight my nails cut into my skin, blood dripped off my palms slowly. But I didn't notice. I was too enraged. I'd clenched my teeth so hard, two cracked.

How could this have happened? Oh, why did I tell? I could've just kept it to myself! But I told. He's right it was my fault. I did this...I killed her. My mother. It was me...Me... I...I did this...

But The Man didn't have to help.

I spun around then, grief and angry in full control. My fists unclenched, the stinging of my nails exiting my skin, went unnoticed. My left hand wrapped around something smooth and solid. It was wood. A back hoe.

It stung a bit to have the dirty wood against my palms, but again, I don't think I noticed. Or really cared. I swung it around, to my front, letting my other hand get a hold on the handle. The flat metal head facing his receding form. It made me feel better having it, like I had some comfort in the melee weapon. I started after him.

I didn't really think I was walking that fast, but I was behind him quickly. I gripped the back hoe tightly. Bringing it up, I positioned it like I was playing with a base ball bat, only higher up. What I did next would change who I was for the rest of my life;

I swung.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Second chapter redone. I'm really glad I got all this crap worked out. Same rules apply; R&R is you want. **

**Oh, and I don't own FFX-2 or any of it's characters. Square-Enix does. Stupid Enix**


	3. Emotional Rain

**Author's Note: Chappie three redone. twirls a flag unenthusiastically**

**Summery: A few months after X-2. Rikku opens up to a Guado man about why she is the way she is, showing him how things aren't always what they seem**

**Rating: PG-13/R (Nope, still don't know)**

_**CHAPTER 3: Emotional Rain**_

_By:Mazzie May_

I swung hard. The blade of the hoe caught the left side of his head. The thick metal cracked his jaw on impact. I could feel it. He staggered and hit the ground will an unbelievably loud thud. He began to fail on the floor in pain; his legs kicking, on of his arms waving franticly, the other groping his face as he howled with the pain. Well, tried to howl in pain, anyway. His crushed jaw and him chocking on his own blood sort of interfered. I took very vague notice that one of his eyes was now misshaped due to my blow.

But you know what? It wasn't enough. I brought my newly found weapon above my head and with everything I had, began beating his face, body all of him over and over again. I felt and heard his ribs cracking. The sounded like weak and brittle twigs when you step on them. He dragged his arm over his face, tried to spare it anymore pain. I wouldn't let him; I slammed the blade of the hoe on his arm snapping the bone completely, it just tangled in the air when he held his arm up.

I continued to beat at his body. After a few minutes, the force of which I was using broke the handle in half; splintered wood clacking against the ground. Some of it finding its way into my exposed skin. Little did I notice.

I dropped unto my hands and knees, grabbing the largest pieces that were around me; the bloody metal slate and what was once the end of the gardening tool. Now, it was a piece of wood with huge and sharp points all over the side that was broken off. I scuttled over to him. I wrapped my hands around the splinted wood and drove it into his body. Into his torso, his legs, his chest, his intestines. I just stabbed his as much as I could. But, the wood got stuck.

It was after I'd stabbed in his leg again that it became immovable. I'd rammed it into him so hard, it went clear through to the ground. As I tried franticly to get it back out, I began to calm down. I was using up my energy to pull up a stupid piece of wood out a blood and unidentifiable mess that I think was his leg. It looked like ground hamburger meat.

I was slightly aware of my grunts and groans as I tried in vain to free it from the red heap. But, I wasn't so angry now. No, I was doing it out of fear. Fear of what, I don't know. Not even to this day. But I do know I was scared. I started to hit the blood pulp with my hands. Why was this happening to me? I was doing so well.

I was just about to beg Yevon for help when I saw my sister. There she was. But, she was different. Her blonde hair wasn't in a braid, it was all disheveled with strands going ever which way, large clumps of her once smooth hair was ratted up in knots. Her once lovely green eyes were rolled way; her left eye was directed like she were looking down and her right eye was facing directly to the right, as if there was something there. In two different directions. Her head was laying on her shoulder, her neck an awkward angle. Broken

I stared at her. I remembered that look. When he first started to beat and maim her, she looked just like that...and suddenly, a new anger flared in me. Before, I was getting pay back for hurting me like this, but now...Now, I remembered Serret and I remembered Mom and all the other people he'd killed. I'm sure they wanted a piece of him, too. I had to beat him for then, too.

"I know, most people would've said I was hallucinating. That my delirium had reached it's max." I began to get that hot feeling in my stomach again. I brought my hand back to where it was before. It must've dropped from there at some point in my story. "And you know, they're probably right. I probably was out my mind. Crazy, hysterical, a lunatic, nuts, wacko, bonkers, whatever. I still felt the need to...HURT him ...for them." My eyes became wider and my last words hissed through my teeth. I felt angry and scared all over again. But then, I'm rarely one without the other.

On a count of the fact that I never knew this phrase because I hadn't met him when I was thirteen, I couldn't have thought it about it, but it's just like Auron said, you know? "This! Is for the fallen!" It's just like that. Because, it IS for the fallen. All the people who fell before him. I would help them get pay back. It was all I could do, really. Some of them died because I didn't tell. I suppose, that's apart of my handy work, too, isn't it? I helped murder twenty-eight of the thirty-two people he killed. It was my fault. This was the least I could do to apologize .

"I leaned back" I continued. I had leaned back. I'd been on my hands and keens before, trying in vain to remove the chunk of wood I had so lovingly placed into his spaghetti-like leg. I brought myself back up to where I was standing on my knees, and slowly sank back down. My legs tucked under me, I turned my head slowly and locked my eyes on my new target; the flat metal head of the hoe. I reached out, slowly, almost gently and picked it up. The blood from the first couple of blows was beginning to dry, flakes of it chipping off as I lifted it.

Wow, I'd been hitting him for long time. But I was doesn't yet. The new blood, which had been flung onto it, slid off lazily making plopping noises as it hit the ground. I stroked it tenderly; this was going to be my new best friend.

I raised it above my head, my arms quivering, my whole body shaking, and brought it down. His ribcage was first. The crack of bones echoed in the ally, his muscles and skin ripping and tearing, trying to fight the blade. Then, I hit his abdomen. "And that's the messy part" It's true, ripping that thing open was almost a mistake.

His intestines were a sick pink color, blood around. But I didn't stop. I hacked into them repeatedly. Once the hoe cut through some, little chunks began to fly about. Some even hitting my face. But I just wasn't stopping. The ally was filled with a few noise; the metal sliding into the blood and vital organs made a soft suction sound, almost like someone blew a really big bubble, and it popped. Over and over and over again.

"I started to get sick" I said in a low voice. I'd started to pace a bit a go. Now I was practically jogging back and worth with hysteria. "I...I started to realize what I was doing"

The emotional high began to fade again. The realization that I had not only maimed a person, I had murdered them. I had willing beat someone until they were beyond human recognition. You couldn't tell what he used to be. I messed him up so bad, worse than what he'd ever done.

A smile twitched at my lips "I had single handedly fucked up one of the biggest serial killers of all time." At the time, I hadn't been so proud. When the emotional have left me, the power one began to leak out, too. The power high was there because I had the power to kill something. You've felt it. When you kill a spider, you do it because you have the power to do it. And they're icky. But, the little spark there when you reach for your shoe, that's the littlest form of the power high. I'd just killed the biggest damned spider in Spira. Imagine how big that power high had to be.

But it was fleeting fast. And the panic set in. What was I doing? What was I going to do? How was I going to do it? Where should I go? Should I go? Should I stay and wait to see what happens? Should I run? Run? Run where? Where do you go when something like this happens? What do you do first after you've killed someone? Wash the blood off? Or hide the body? Should I hide Mom's body? How do I clean up the ally? What if I get caught? Can I call it self defense? But he wasn't going to kill me, was he? He just wanted to kill mom? He was leaving, right? So, I would get in trouble? Attacked him...?

"'I attacked him', Three words that would echo in my head for the next few years to come." I whispered loudly, spinning on my heel to return the other side of the room and back again. The Guado was just looking at me. Like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lady Rikku, the cute, bouncy, smiling, chipper, happy Lady Rikku had witnesses a murder and partook in one herself. He wiped the sweat of his brow; it was getting thick. Not from fear anymore, I don't think, but from guilty excitement. Things you find entertaining, but at the expense of others. But I let it go. I'd talked to him about it later.

I stumbled to my feet, trying to get away. All I wanted was out. Out and away. I looked around wildly, trying to decide a direction to go. But I couldn't see again; my anger blinded me before, now it was my fear. I charged out of the ally, just as the desert rain began to fall. Oh man...Maybe there was Yevon. Because somebody was looking out for me. All the blood, or most of it, would be washed away. Finger prints and all. But I still had to get away.

The rain started lazily enough, a little drizzle, nothing special. As I rounded another corner, I could feel the blood running off me. I didn't dare a chance to look back, I'm sure that I had a red trail in the rivers that began to skitter across the ground. The rain picked up. Everything was in a white haze, and this time, it wasn't because of my emotions. My brain was over taxed; I don't think I was even aware of where I was going. I was just running.

The rain came down harder. It began to hurt. I don't know where I got the energy to keep running, and at the speed I was going, my legs felt like jelly. I kept running some more. I ran around all over the place. The rain hard begun to come down so hard and fast, I could only see a few feet in front of me. Everything else was a dark grey color.

I ran until I hit the door to my family's complex. I just stood there, heaving the liquid air and staring up at it. I couldn't see it all that feel, since the rain was in my eyes. I couldn't go home. How could I go home and explain to Cid what I had just done? That I was single handedly responsible for his wife's death? That I was the reason so many people died? That I ruined his name? His life?

The machina that controlled the door began to work. I could hear it. The door was opening. It slide to the right smoothly and I was face to face with Brother. He was surprised to see someone he was looking for right in front of him, I suppose. He squinted his wild, blue, swirling eyes at me, the blue tattoos under eyes screwing up to make wrinkles on his youthful and constantly excited face. He stepped out a bit, rain flattening his mo hawk almost immediately. His blonde hair turned dark with the thick water coarsening through it. He yelped and jumped back in to the door way.

He opened his mouth and I think he said something. I wasn't really with it, so I didn't understand. And the rain was so hard, it was loud. I couldn't understand him. I think he got the picture. Instead of walking out to me again, he'd rather stay dry. He jumped up and down yelling again. I still didn't understand. I think I even raised an eyebrow. He kicked the wall in aggravation. He turned to me and huffed. Cupping his hand over his mouth, he howled as loud as he could, "Rikku! Frana ryja oui paah! Fa muugat ymm ujan vun oui pavuna dra nyeh!"

I began to fiddle with my hair again. I wiped the thin layer of sweet that had begun to coat my neck. I smiled a little. Nervous? Me? Nah, never. I began to smile a bit more. "You see..." I began slowly. "Brother is a moron. Too easy to fool." I brought up my left hand and extended my slender index finger and moved it in a circle at the side of my head, making the 'Loco' action. "He's not all there either!" I giggled again. Remembering how dumb he was through it all.

My smile grew so big, it was almost like I was happy. "I mean, he was our pilot!" I jumped a bit in the hair and began that little dance I always did. You know the one; where I bounce back and forth with one hand in the hair, finger pointed up, the other arm drawn up to my side, hand curled loosely. That dance I did when something special or exciting was happening. It was habit.

The poor Guado man was even more uncomfortable now. I guess he felt better during the story. I physically shrugged. I was ready to continue if he was. He seemed to have read my mind; he nodded a bit, as if answering the question. His squinty and pinched features wear pink, instead of the feverish red they had begun as. He was calming down. Props.

I must've spaced a bit longer than I thought, because I heard his voice clear and my eyes refocused. I shifted my gaze to his, but I didn't move from my position; at some point I had bent my knees so they were touching my chest, my butt just above the ground and my hands flat, palms on the ground for balance. "Where was I?" I asked casually, as if I had just gone to get a cup of tea, not visit another world.

He cleared his through again, his long, disgusting fingers white knuckled as he gripped his soggy clothes. You could see the sweat leak out of his robes as his hands worked and wrung at the weak and tattered cloth. "Y-you were, um, ah-you were with y-your b-brother and-and-" He stopped his painful stuttering to in hail through sweaty and chapped lips an almost equally painful breath.

I waved my hand lightly through the hair. "Ah, yeah. Well, there's not much else to say there." I looked up at the natural, rock ceiling, watching the shadows. It was true; there wasn't much else to say.

I had stared at Brother through the horrible white haze. He was squinting to see me, but my eyes remained big and unblinking. True the water burned my eyes as it slide near and around my swirling green orbs, but I didn't care. Couldn't care. I had realized something; I couldn't go home. I didn't feel safe there. And most of all, they couldn't love me anymore. I killed a man. I killed Mom. It was all my fault.

I spun around quickly. Ignoring the multiple call of my name, I dashed down the street, flying over the pavement. It beckoned to me. For me to fall, spread across it and just lay. Lay like Mom. Sprawled out lazily, pelted by water bullets. They stung so bad, those water bullets. I ran against them, everywhere they touched me, flaring read, angry marks appeared. The crept across my skin, cracking dry blood and shoving the blackish red flakes away. At was a horrible, stinging, bleeding, burning sensation all across my skin.

I took so many twists and turns. Again, I didn't know where I was going. I was vaguely aware on an extremely basic level that I was still moving. But I hit a slick service, and my legs went under and behind me. I fell forward, the world with all it's pain and destruction and terrible white color, flew about me as I crashed onto a set of steps. I felt my skin break somewhere, but I could pin point the locations.

My vision was slushy. I'd have hit my head. As I lifted my head slowly to find where the annoying white static, buzzing sound was coming from, when I was struck by my surroundings. This area...These stairs...

Gippal's...I was on Gippal's front step.

**00000  
Translations:**

**Rikku! Frana ryja oui paah! Fa muugat ymm ujan vun oui pavuna dra nyeh! Rikku! Where have you been! We looked all over for you before the rain!  
00000  
**

**0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Well, another redone. Par-tay. Usual rules apply; R&R if you want.**

**PS – Mint, I still love you.**

**PPS – TheDonutMistress rocks my socks.**


	4. Hobby or Addiction

**Author's Note: I actually had to retype this one…**

Summery: A few months after X-2. Rikku opens up to a Guado man about why she is the way she is, showing him how things aren't always what they seem

Rating: Specifically this chapter is R, but as far as the story goes, not a clue.

_**CHAPTER 4: Hobby or Addiction**_

_By: Mazzie May_

I struggled to understand that thought. Gippal's... of all the places to run to and pass out at my subconscious choose Gippal's. Well, maybe that makes a bit more sense than I'm letting on.

"It's not secret" I began. I'd begun to switch positions again. I leaned back to where my butt was on the floor, and from that awkward angle, I pushed my feet out in front of me, stretched out to get rid of that nasty tingly feeling. I guess my legs where 'asleep'. Whatever. I felt the itchy burning run throughout my legs as I crossed them again. Guess they didn't like that. I absent mindedly held my sleeves as I stared at the dirt. The ends on my sleeves were pulled up to my knuckles, the tips of my fingers and my nails pressing into the stretchy fabric holding it in place. I rubbed the side of my calves. Yevon, that tingly-ness sucks.

I mumbled an inaudible "Cdibet edlro-hacc..." and then looked back up at the little man, pressed in the little corner, trying to keep down what little lunch he had in him. Well, he didn't look that bad anymore. He didn't look like he was about toss his cookies all over the floor every time I opened my mouth. I'd like to think that's a plus. We're getting somewhere.

I cleared my throat and tried again "It's no secret that Gippal is..." C'mon I can say it. I hooked a stubborn lock of hair behind my ear and took another breath. "Is an ass" Ah, damn it. Not that's not the truth, but that's not what I'd wanted to say.

The Guado man blinked and made a small noise. I think it was a laugh. It sounded like a high pitched chirp, like a Peke fiend or something. My statement had been so blunt and unexpected, I'd startled him into it. But his hand quickly flew to his face, grouping the flesh around his mouth, nails biting in, leaving little crescent moons around his thin, sweaty lips. He thought I was going to hurt him for it. I could see it on his face. The fear was back. And with a vengeance.

It was that raw fear. The stuff that washes over you like a shower forces water on you. It fills your eyes with this impossible dread, and sense of horror on horror – something you'll never escape. Your body stiffens so hard it hurts and then begins to quiver. Most associate it with death. Like, an innocent person at their execution. Holding on to that shred of truth, their only hope that someone will see, that someone will come forth and say "You have the wrong person!". But no one ever does. And the understanding that they are going to die, no matter what the truth it, over comes them. The complete and total nervous break down, complete with floor pounding hysterics. It all happens when raw fear slides over your eyes.

I think it took every inch of self control he had to begin to hyperventilate. A bajillion Browning points for him. I just sat and stared, a patient, bored look on my face. Like a cats. Blank and passive, yet have an irritated undertone. I sighed and leaned back so that my palms were behind me on the hard the ground. My chin was threatening to press against my breast plate as I looked down at my breasts, trying to find something to do to occupy my time as I waited for him to calm down. I could still hear his ragged breathing as I let my mind wonder to events that had happened that involved my breasts. I decided to tell him a little humorous story until he was calm enough to let me continue the one about my life.

The time YRP was at the hot springs came to mind. "I knew Yunie's little secret and was gonna try and expose her. Yunie wears padded things to appear more...appealing, I guess..." I nodded to my chest and rolled my eyes up to look at him when I said 'padded' to see if he got the point. His eyebrows raised far into his hair. Oh, yeah, he got the point.

"And we were in the springs after chasing some of LeBlanc's goons around for a bit. And Yuna was wearing a padded bathing suit top. She was careful not to be getting wet in that region, or it would show." I remember how she was squatting in the shallow water, at a funny angle, trying to appear to be completely submerged to her neck. Tch, who was she fooling?

I'd waded over to her through the warm water, and the thick mist of water falls. I was going to expose her to Dr P and we'd all have a laugh. So, I came up behind Yuna and started to make comments about how big she was, and how she 'has it goin' on'. She blushed so hard, she was nearly purple. And she knew she couldn't get away, either. I was on my hands and knees, and she knew I'd tackle her. And that would get her all wet. I let that triumph now in my eyes. Big mistake. Because she caught it and he smiled wickedly.

Paine had slowly glided over to us by now, and just as I was about to make the comment about how Yuna's breasts being almost unnatural, when a tint of purple got my eye. Paine had the same top! They were both wearing the padding. Well, where's the fun in bringing it up now? That's why Yuna smirked.

I soon recovered and made the same comments to Paine. She threatened to 'Lay down the hurt' and what not, but whatever. She wouldn't hurt me. Lil' Rikku was just having fun. In truth, I was gloating on the inside. I mean, if both Paine and Yuna used padded, then I had the biggest breasts in the group. Confidence boost for me. I had finally one-upped those two. Hurrah.

"That was pretty cool, that day at the hot springs..." I said in a dreamy way, drifting back to the hot springs. But the image of YRP, splashing about the water was gone. My mind was back to another time I was at the springs.

"I hadn't killed anyone in the while" I said off handedly, tracing circles in the dirt. The memory slid slowly into my mind, and out of my mouth. "It had been after Vegnagun. I was...releasing some steam. Venting, if you will". Which is true. It had been a terrible few months. Now that Vegnagun was gone, there was nothing to do. Nothing to kill or maim to keep my urges down. Now that the latest threat was gone, all the fiends were fading. That's how I kept myself under control. I killed the fiends Yunie and I encountered, sometimes I would let them get a kill in, but most the time, the victory belonged to me. I was always ready to go first, and I was the last to go, taking out the fiend. Though, I had to be careful. Didn't want to seem too eager. But that was how I kept myself under control. But that method was gone then. Ha, It's still gone.

"So, anyway, the point is, I hadn't shed blood in a while". I was feeling tired again. But this tired was different. This tired was what you felt after a good, long day of fun. Where your body tingles, and your brain feels all warm. Like someone wrapped a heated blanket around your head. It was a good feeling. No, I have not been smoking the Gahlyish Greens. Again.

Back to the hot springs. So, I was trying to submerge myself in the spring, forget my cravings. I was in my Back Mage outfit, because I'd been frying fiends all morning. I was killing stuff, and practicing my aim. Two birds with one stone. I'll be honest – my magic aim is horrible. I went to cast Blizzaga on a Zuzu once, and I nearly turned Yunie into a pop-sicle. Brother gave me a lecture, and I threatened to burn up his little shrine of Yuna he had in his closet. My sentence was less severe. Only had to do maintenance on the Celsius for a week.

I had duped my head below the water line, my hair soaking up the hot water. I had closed my eyes, but I could still feel my hair moving about lazily, heavily as I held myself under the water, the weak current pushing against it. I had hooked my foot under a U shaped rock, anchoring myself. The pressure was against me, all over me, like a warm hand was pushing against my entire body, rocking me back gently.

I'd opened my eyes slowly, softening the sting of the water. I'd forgotten my goggles back on the Celsius, like the genius I am. I looked through the pale blue water, the white haze that flowed through it. I think those are bubbles, though I've never really been sure. Whatever they were, they snaked up in layers, slowing to the surface... A dark shadow crossed over the rippling water, as a grey, weaker version of itself drifted over the smooth rocks at the bottom, sliding over me as well.

It was a person. I unsheathed my foot from between the rocks and let the current push me back against the rocky wall. When I'd first gotten in the spring, I'd expected the rocks to be slightly grimy, slick with algae or some other goop. But the springs were clean and clear of anything like that. So, I could firmly grip the flat rocks without fear of slipping away. I watched patiently as the shadow shifted its direction away from me. I pushed up hard, my sleeves catching on rough areas and tearing. Same happened to my stockings. My hair was pushed back from my face as I kicked off rocks to bring my closer.

I broke the surface quietly, the smoothness of the water broken, like placing a drop of water on an ice cube. I tread water gently, no noise to be heard, just the gentle lapping of waves. Perfectly normal. Ri – ight.

I pulled my self up unto the shore and darted behind a rock. It's where I'd left my BM staff and my hat and shoes. I bent over and picked up my staff. It was hard a heavy, and as long as I was tall. It was black, and had a blue, green, purple colored ornament at the head of it. It belonged to Yunie while she had been a summoner. We'd kept all her old staves, and everyone else's weapons, mostly as mementoes.

I took a peak around the bolder and saw that the shadow was a woman. And not just any woman, she was someone I knew. She didn't look that old. Hadn't aged at all it seems since I had first met her. Her long raven hair was glistening, the shine blue with the moons glow and the reflection of the water. Her skin was darker than mine, bronze with a tan, but naturally a soft brown color. She was braiding her hair lazily, stands falling from her hands.

As she turned away from me again, to grab a ribbon for her hair, I think, I stepped out from behind the rock and walked towards her. I was surprisingly quiet, as I made my way to her. She continued to rifle through her bag with one hand, the other holding the braid. Soon, though, she just threw the braid over her shoulder and began to dig with both hands. I heard a brief "My, my, my..." before I swung my staff and sent her tumbling away from the springs and closer to the entrance.

I must've broken her collar bone, seeing as it was sticking out of her once perfect flesh. She began to scream. Just laid there, screaming. I don't even think she was aware I was there, she was just screaming. I stalked toward her again. The caves echoed, and if Kimahri or one of the other Ronso heard, I'd be in trouble. Besides, if I didn't kill her, she'd never heal, or die. Just continue on like that. Death was mercy, anything else was madness. Hers and mine.

I jabbed my staff into every vital organ I could find. They bled, shriveled, ceased to function, and still the screaming went on. I finally raised the staff in a two-handed motion above my head and just started whacking. At first, I paused between stabs, or whacks, but every time the screams just went on and on, trapped inside that once beautiful woman, now just so much meat. Somewhere around the tenth blow, or fifteenth blow, I stopped pausing, stopped listening, and just kept beating her.

I had to make the screaming stop. I had to make her die. Not only did I not want to get caught, but it was getting on my nerves. For someone who had had such a sultry voice when she talked, her screaming was terribly high pitched. Made me think of LeBlanc. The world narrowed down to the pounding of the staff into thick meat. My arms raised and lowered, raised and lowered. Almost mechanically.

I paused for a moment to think. The butt of my staff was not getting the job down. I turned it around, so that the beautifully cut out rainbow stone that was placed on the staff to aid Yunie in her magical ways, would be used to penetrate the flesh and finish her off. It started green at the bottom, melted into blue, which in turn darkened to purple. Shame really, that it was all going to be a dark brown-red in a moment.

The rock bit into the flesh. Blood sprayed across my face, my shredded BM dress. I ended up on my knees beside something that was no longer anything, no longer whole. I'd hacked her into unrecognizable pieces. The screaming had stopped.

My hands had been soaked with blood, crimson to the elbows. I thought it best to leave. I gathered my things a took off out the back. No need to leave bloody foot prints about. I took a quick dip the hot springs before leaving. So the Ronso couldn't track me.

"The next day, it was all over the news. 'Random Ronso Ravaging'. Hee, whoops, sorry Kimahri." I smiled a little. Kimahri was a good guy, erm, cat. I do feel bad about all the political crap he had to go through after that, but hey, better him than me.

I pushed back my hair again, and opened my eyes. The Guado man's eyes were wide, showing to much white, her jaw hanging open. I raised an eye brow. After all of what I've told him, he chooses now to be shocked? "What?" I asked slightly curious. I started to tap my fingers on the dirt.

His jaw moved a little, then he closed it. He licked his lips and wet his mouth again before trying again. "You...You killed Lady Dona?" His hair which had began to curl back due to lack of sweat, was darkening again. Man, could he turn that off an on like a faucet? His long, sickly fingers were white knuckled, again, as he held his knees inder his chin. Again.

I shrugged. Yeah, I killed Dona. So what? The woman was a total B-I-T-C-H. Who was gonna miss her? Well, except for Barthello. But that's a different situation right there. Well, actually, a lot of people missed Dona. Well, maybe not miss Dona–Dona, but missed a summoner. Now a days, it was a real serious tragedy when the "Summoners of Old" die. Big services and everything, a day is dedicated to them, statues etc.

"Anyway" I said, waving my hand through the hair. "Back to Gippal and myself"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**00000**  
**Cdibet edlro-hacc... Stupid itchy-ness...  
00000**

So, there it is. You know the rules by now.

**PS - …well, I don't remember what I wanted to say. Damn.**


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